Top 9 Reasons Why My Baby Cries!

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Photo by Jill Greenberg

My wife and I were recently blessed with a daughter and we could not be more happier than we have been these first three months. However, that is not to say that our little baby girl, who was born premature at 3lbs., has the lungs of a seasoned opera singer that would probably put Plácido Domingo to shame – yes, she is that loud and has been the subject of many nights of sheer terror and sleepless nights, for mommy and daddy of course. So yes, I guess you can say that there is an underlying horror in this post.

Laugh-Till-You-Pee Comedies About Thieves

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article, comedies, Comedy, elizabeth berkley, funny, humor, jesse spano, ocean's eleven, reelybored, saved by the bell, showgirls

Contrary to popular belief, I also like other types of movies aside from my belove horror films. Films like “The Thomas Crowne Affair,” or pretty much any James Bond Film may have their moments of comic relief, but they’re not exactly built to be laughed at. Romantic Comedies, on the other hand, often fall into the categories of cheesy and predictable. That’s why the blunder-centered comedy is such a fantastic find in the cinemascape.

I’m especially looking forward to “Identity Thief” due out on Feb. 8th. Who doesn’t love Melissa McCarthy — who, by the way, is Jenny McCarthy’s cousin — unconditionally? The combination of the perfectly vanilla Jason Bateman and the usually sweet McCarthy has us salivating. The story adds a comedic twist on the growing problem of identity theft. When Bateman’s character “Sandy Bigelow Patterson’s” identity gets assumed by the quirky McCarthy, misadventures and car chases ensue. Although we’re pretty sure that services like Lifelock would do a better job of taking care of such problems in the real world, the world of movies is so much more fun.

Horror Rants – Ghost Tits (ft. Olivia Munn)

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Ok, Olivia Munn, you have to be one of the coolest/funniest chicks that is in the entertainment biz. Check out this parody horror trailer featuring the “Wonder Woman”, Ghost Tits!

Forget The Sopranos, Meet the Vampire Mob!

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Annie Grigioni, blood, Comedy, creature, crime, dark, dead, death, Don Grigioni, evil, food, funny, horror, horror film, horror movie, horror movies, horror news, humor, husband, Joe Wilson, John Colella, Marcia Wallace, mother-in-law, Reamy Hall, Short, show, sun, television, television show, vampire, Vampire Mob, vampiremob.com, vampires, web series, webshow, wife, youtube

“We are all famous to a few people.”

He’s a hitman and a vampire, and he just found out his mother-in-law is moving in for eternity.

Got your attention yet? Good, because this catchy title is what first intrigued me into taking a further look into the webseries that is the Vampire Mob. Created by writer/director Joe Wilson, Vampire Mob is a unique blend of crime and comedy of the intelligent kind. No slapstick here, but genuine laughs provided by Wilson’s smart and witty scriptwriting.

1, 2. Freddy’s Coming For You…

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…. as soon as he’s [clears throat] hands free…

Man Food – Egg Salad Sandwich

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For when you don’t know how to cook and the wife is not around…

A Feature Article…

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3d, Chained Heat, Comedy, curse, directors, feature article, film, footage, France, Friday the 13th, funny, Germany, Gwyneth Paltrow, halloween, horror, horror movie, horror movies, iCarly, Insidious, Jaime Fernandez, Japan, JFernz, ketchup, kids, killer, Linda Blair, Lionel Ritchie, NC-17, new york city, nightmare on elm street, nyc, OshKosh B'Gosh, paranormal, psychos, rated R, saw, scary, scary children, scary kid, scary movie, sexploitation, The Exorcist, The Suite Life With Zack and Cody, torture, torture porn, TV, William Shakespeare, woods, zombie, zombies

by Jaime Fernandez (Follow him on Twitter @J_Fernz)

Sung by Lionel Ritchie

I first became a fan of horror movies as a young boy. While other kids were playing in the park or following a strange looking man into his van, I was in front of the TV watching scary movie marathons without adult supervision. I officially fell in love with the genre the first time I saw pea soup being hurled from a young Linda Blair’s mouth.

(Erotic Fun Fact: I officially fell in love with Linda Blair after seeing her prison shower scene in the 1983 sexploitation flick Chained Heat.)

From then on I was having nightmares on Elm Street, wearing hockey masks on Friday the 13th, and escaping mental institutions on Halloween (OK…I only did that once).

Man Food – Mac N’ Cheese!

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bored, Canon, Canon 7D, Comedy, cooking, dinner, food, funny, HDSLR, humor, hungry, mac and cheese, macaroni, reelybored, reelybored blog, short film, short video, snack, video, vimeo

What do you get when you’re bored and hungry? You get Man Food!

Bizzaro Fan Fiction: Quarter Life – Halfway to Destruction

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Comedy, fan fiction, fiction, funny, game mod, Gordon Freeman, Half Life, joke, laugh, PC game, Peter Chimaera, Quarter Life, video game, writing

Ya just gotta love fan fiction generated by young, aspiring authors. Why? Simply put, because they have yet to hone their skills as writers and give us a very humorous and entertaining read (all unintentional of course).

One such writer who has gained internet “success and infamy” for being such a terrible “creative” writer is Peter Chimaera. Thanks to Peter, a slew of video game mods have been created in “cinematic” fashion featuring words as originally written by Mr. Chimaera. For example, here is one of my favs, Quarter Life: Halfway to Destruction. Below the video, make sure  to read the original text (NOTE: the misspellings are not typos):

ATUHOR’S NOSE:
Uncycylopedia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and dontn’t know where come but I decide to write anyway.

CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IT MEANS
Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried.
Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said “Gordon Freemant what are you working on”
“UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty”
Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword. He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut
“Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks”
” HAha” They laughed
“Whait oh no where id isotop?”
“UIt is been stoled!”

CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON’T
Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said “I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!”
“NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!” Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there.
“IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS”
“TOO LATE” and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize
“Ew must escapes out of here fastly” but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons.

CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT
“This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!”
And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean.
“Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission”
“Not so fast, Mr. Gordon”

What happens next? You deiside!

Tahnks for reading please buy my book at peterchimaera .com i am poor
Here is another version of the vid:

GREAT MOMENTS IN BITCH SLAPPING! VOL. 1

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1.)  Dumb-ass sitting next to me whispers (loudly) to girlfriend/date/fellow teeny-bopper – “I hate to say this, but I think “this” is going to happen.”

Proceeds to tell her what he thinks is going to happen —-> 15 minutes later, said thing happens (which was obvious). Whispers (loudly) to girlfriend/date/fellow teeny-bopper – “Yep, I called it!” (Mentally, I stood and gave him an ovation)

2.) Every single night-time scene in the movie – Audience stirs and mumble nervous jargon to one another. Whispers echo throughout the movie theater in 7.1 surround sound:

I thought everyone would embrace the night scenes instead of dread them, defeats the purpose of film. What the hell did you expect!?

4.) Silent, ambient moment in the film —-> Some jerk – “Boo!” (he and friends chuckle as if it were funny) I clench my fists, close my eyes and take a deep breath!

5.) After “Night #5″ in film, various establishing shots of cameras setup throughout the house/property are shown for, you guessed it, the fifth time. Again, dumb-ass sitting next to me whispers – “Yeah, yeah, we know you have a front door! Yes, we know you have a pool. Let me guess, kitchen? (kitchen shown on screen and he lifts his arms up in frustration and shakes his head) See, I knew it!” (Mentally, I toss an imaginary grenade in his direction!)

6.) Silent moment in film —-> Aforementioned jerk yells, “Oh yeah!” in his best Pauly D. (Jersey Shore) impression [he and his friends chuckle]

7.) Jump scare moment —–> Girl seated in front of me is so “jolted” that she presses her seat back violently and into my knees! I bite my tongue. She doesn’t turn around to apologize, instead she giggles with her tweeny friends!

8.) Silent Moment in film —-> Again, jerk in the back of the theater shouts, “Boo!” A good Samaritan shouts, “Not funny!” Tween girlfriend responds with, “Yes it was!” (friends chuckle)

9.) Film concludes, FADE TO BLACK. Audience is left in darkness for what seems like a few minutes – 7.1 Surround Sound again form the audience:

Of course, nothing happens! ROLL CREDITS!!

I’d like to personally thank the “Tweens” of Poughkeepsie, NY for nearly ruining the movie experience for me. Good job guys and gals!

Silent, ambient moment in the film —->